Oh, Burda, Burda, Burda, you know how much I love you, right? You know how hard it’s been for me to be without you all these months, right?  Then why does it seem like you don’t care about me at all? This relationship is feeling so one-sided, and if you can’t meet me halfway, how is it supposed to work out?

I was excited for this issue because the April issue is the one that’s usually packed with pretty dresses.  (Or am I thinking of the May issue?) Anyway, if the dress feature is in this month’s issue, it’s hard to tell from the 4.2010 preview. In fact, so far as I can tell, the theme of this month’s issue is, “innocuous clothes that you could buy anywhere.” On one hand there’s nothing totally insane, no cheetah jumpsuits, no wedding dresses with crepe paper nosegays hot glued to them, no shrests, no pirate armwarmers, no one shouldered skankgear. And yet on the other hand, there are zero items in the preview that are appealing to me at all. No lovely sheaths with beautiful details, no sleek skirts, or sharp blouses. Here’s a sampling:

Ho-hum. And I didn’t go through the images to pick out the ones that I found the most boring- this is a pretty representative cross section of the garments. As you can see, there’s nothing wrong with these clothes. But at the same time, why would I want to spend my time and effort making anything that just feels so unextraordinary? And the fit and cut of these garments are somehow neither chic nor classic enough to make me want to use them for creating wardrobe basics or as blocks on which to base something more exciting. Particular note on the polo dress- do polo collars ever look right when you don’t have the special ribbed knit pieces from which to make them and instead just make them out of the fabric you use for the body of the garment? I’m not going to bother to find out because polo shirts (and by extension, relaxed fit polo dresses like the one pictured above) are on my list of stuff that I have no interest in sewing.

I guess this is the most interesting garment in the preview, but I still don’t really have any urge to make or wear this:

I assume the pattern is for the skirt. It’s not bad, and like any other garment in this issue, if you decide to make it, I have no reason to roll my eyes at you as there’s nothing wrong with it. But do leave the bow off, please.  It’s awfully silly and you don’t want to be sitting on it all day. And definitely skip out on the crazy organza balloon shrug thing or whatever fashion no-no is happening around her shoulders.

Burda, my dear, I see what you’re trying to do here- I’m starting to understand your battle strategy. After several stormy months in our relationship, you’re starting to fight dirty. You’re trying to make sure that I have no ammunition. You’ve finally figured out how to push my buttons- by creating a preview in which every garment is so unobjectionable and unexciting that I can’t say anything interesting about them. You give me nothing to work with. I CAN’T EVEN CRACK JOKES ABOUT THEM. Because you know that my sarcasm is my only weapon and without it I am powerless.

For the love of jeebus, this month’s preview DOESN’T EVEN INCLUDE CRAFTS! And now, Burda, you have gotten even with me, for my blog post on your preview is as unentertaining as the preview itself! Sneaky, Burda. Very sneaky. The closest thing to funny that I can even find is this:

At first I thought, “Great. She’s wearing a cotton miniskirt.  Whoop-dee-doo.”  And then I realized that’s a man, and he’s wearing some way-too-short jams. So now Burda is offering up jams patterns?  I assume the photo is for the jams? What else would it be for? Oh, and if you think that picture is hard to figure out, explain this one to me:

There’s barely even clothes in this picture. Maybe they’ve replaced the crafts section with photos of laughing shirtless daddies with beachy hair. I guess that’s a step up?

And finally, with what little I’ve been given to work with, here is the last jab I can muster:

The broom-and-cat styling was almost puzzling enough to distract me from the pouchy crotch flood pants.  But not quite. If you do decide to buy this issue of Burda, you should definitely make these pants because there’s enough room in the front of them to store the issue as well.

Ah well, I guess we’ll see how the full preview looks in a week or so.