It’s been a little while since the Selfish Seamstress has introduced any new nemeses here, but it’s not for lack of enemies. In fact, the Selfish Seamstress makes new enemies every day- at the supermarket, at work, on public transit (I’m looking at you, headphones girl who thinks her bag needs its own seat!) But it takes a little more than just being a jerk to rise to the status of Selfish Seamstress nemesis. No no, a nemesis has to be pure evil. And no one is more obviously evil than new Selfish Seamstress Nemesis Juebejue, a.k.a. Tiny Nemesis, a.k.a. Photogenic Nemesis. Terrified yet? Have a look into the face of PURE EVIL:
I know, right? 4’11” of terrifying! Surely there is only one creature on this earth more hideous and scary than Juebejue:
*SHUDDER* Okay, for those of you brave souls who have managed to get this far without closing your browsers in fright and disgust, I have to tell you, IT GETS WORSE. Oh yes, she’s also got ridiculously bad taste and makes hideous, hideous garments that only a monster like her would ever want to wear. I’ll explain:
1) Juebejue makes things that the no one, especially the Selfish Seamstress, would ever be caught dead wearing.
That’s her rendition of BurdaStyle’s Madison dress. UNCOVETABLE. Look at the ridiculous drapey collar. Who would ever want to wear a face and shoulder framing collar that falls into graceful folds like that? Certainly not the Selfish Seamstress, and especially not in a sophisticated stupid brown like that. And those perfectly sewn dumb slant pockets? Pure classy chic idiocy.
Here’s another lame garment that I would NEVER EVER want to wear. This perfectly-fitting stupid hooded coat. Everyone knows that it’s SUPER EASY for extremely petite women to find coats that fit perfectly, so why would I ever covet Juebejue’s crappy, hip-length jacket with perfect topstitching in the perfect neutral gray with its inspired and adorable big buttons? YUCK. (Side note: Also, why would I covet her ugly perfect smile with its dumb perfectly straight, perfectly white teeth? Whatever.)
2) Juebejue manages to take BurdaMag patterns that are reasonably nice and make an absolute mess of them. For example, the casual dress with pleated bodice from the June 2009 issue, a cute pattern by any standard- look at the nightmare that Juebejue concocted with it:
Are there even words to express how craptacular those immaculately done pleats are, and how stupidly elegant this looks in her foolishly inspired choice of black linen? And please don’t get me started on the lame, adorable knee boots with this one. And here’s another of her Burda failures:
Yep, it’s the ruffle georgette blouse from the 8.2009 issue, another elegant and flattering screwup from Juebejue. The Selfish Seamstress in fact tried this pattern herself and failed miserably so she can almost (almost!) sympathize with Juebejue for wanting to wear this gorgeous, graceful blush pink piece of crap. (And if I’m not mistaken, she’s pairing it with a denim Kasia from BurdaStyle, another sleek and chic example of the brilliantly-fitting lameness that ensues when Juebejue gets near her sewing machine.)
And another Burda-pattern-gone-wrong, this crossover front print dress with contrast midriff that looks like Juebejue bought it for hundreds of dollars at a boutique. A CRAPPY boutique. Hrmph. Yet another garment of hers that I SO DO NOT covet. [And there’s that smile again, the one I could never ever envy on account of it being so darn fugly! In fact, I am busy NOT envying it this very moment.)
3) Another thing that makes Juebejue so disgusting and horrifying (if you haven’t already picked up on it) is the fact that all of the photographs of her in her hideous handmade garments are just SO INCREDIBLY BAD with their yucky perfect soft lighting and sharp focus and lovely dumb framing. Word on the street is that all of the photographs are taken by her fiancé, which suggests that he, like Juebejue, also lacks creative skill and good taste. Some examples (close your eyes if you’re prone to nightmares):
Now I know that some of you may be thinking that the Selfish Seamstress is being awfully harsh to publicly mock and humiliate the fiancé of one of her nemeses, and that it’s not fair to do so even when the nemesis in question is as gross as Juebejue, but trust me on this one. I have it on very good authority that he gives Juebejue stuff like cashmere fabric, dressforms, and embroidery machines for her birthday and holidays, so obviously any seamstress would agree that he sounds just as bad as she is.
4) Finally, Juebejue is on my shizzlist because SHE STARTED IT. That’s right- Juebejue has been out to take down the Selfish Seamstress for years. Maybe she’s jealous because the Selfish Seamstress has a whole lofty inch on her in terms of height (Ha! That’s right, I’m a doctor-confirmed 60″ in height, so suck on that, 59″ Juebejue!) Whatever the case may be, I have strong evidence to indicate that Juebejue is out to get me. How do I know? Quite simply, she uses MY OWN PATTERN against me! She took my nice, basic Coffee Date Dress original free pattern, and twisted it into this horrible violet ombre satin party-perfect monstrosity:
Ha. No, I DON’T wish I had thought of it first. And NO, I don’t think it’s a sassy and fun improvement on my original, sedate beige rendition. She’s using my own sewing against me! Evil. Evil indeed. No doubt about it, Juebejue fights dirty.
Juebejue doesn’t have a sewing blog (yet), but that doesn’t mean that you can’t still hate on her publicly. You can see more of her misguided sewing efforts on her BurdaStyle profile and write mean comments on her wall! Take her down, girls!
37 comments
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March 4, 2010 at 4:54 pm
Hashi
Wow. And she’s only been sewing for two years. Wow (oh, sorry, I already said that.) Wow. OK, I’ll shut up now.
March 4, 2010 at 5:50 pm
BeckyMc
Only been sewing two years?? She must me stopped!!!
I love the selfish seamstess blog. I get a big smile every time I see you’ve posted a new item. Thanks.
March 4, 2010 at 5:52 pm
Beangirl
I hate you both. But you know what? I am 61.5″ tall. HA!!! TAKE THAT, horrible tiny perfect people! (I will neglect to tell you that I used to be 61.75″ tall until my evil second child DESTROYED A WHOLE QUARTER INCH OF MY HEIGHT. No. I will not provide you with that horrifying information.)
March 4, 2010 at 6:32 pm
selfishseamstress
Sweet. Just just six more children and you and I will be on even playing ground.
March 5, 2010 at 6:30 am
Nikole
I’m 61.75 exactly *making note of the effects of child bearing and height* and I hate you both with your tiny selves. You try being petite and full figured aka too much boobs. All patterns have to be mostly re-drafted and it’s just plain discouraging, so Boo to you….p.s. I join you SS in loving *detesting* (feel free to exchange words at will with your own) how she look is those outfits, just gorgeous *awful*.
March 4, 2010 at 6:26 pm
Kerry
Listen – I’m the only 4’11” person allowed around this place, so let’s kill her. Now.
(But first lets’s steal those clothes, they’ll probably fit us).
March 4, 2010 at 6:30 pm
selfishseamstress
As someone who has many nemeses, murder can be a bit of a slippery slope, so I have to be careful with that. However, I have no moral objection to stealing her stuff, so I’m on board with that. Do you want her embroidery machine or her dressform? I’ll take whichever one you don’t want.
March 5, 2010 at 5:29 am
Kerry
I already have a dress form so I’ll take the machine.
March 4, 2010 at 6:59 pm
K-Line
I love this series. I’m amazed by how many amazing sewists there are out there – and I love how you take ’em down.
March 4, 2010 at 7:07 pm
juebejue
This is the first time I had been compared to a baby rabbit -looking thing, I should be offended, but I really want that rabbit!
i must say, you are so hilarious selfish seamstress! dont ever leave us to go on a slien abduction trip again!!! but I say that if you wanted to steal some sewing machine, try your first nemesis (or his friend), they have like, 20 of those combined! :P:P but for now i will guard my sewing room with scissors and needles and my cat :)
and fugly? i am really flattered! lol! :) oooh! and my fiance says hi :)
March 5, 2010 at 7:50 am
selfishseamstress
Dammit, who let you in here?? Well, I’m glad *someone* is amused by our little feud :D
Hi, Juebejue’s fiance!
Sigh. I want the baby rabbit too. But I suspect my cat would want it more.
March 6, 2010 at 6:34 am
peter
Hey, I only have NINE sewing machines. NINE. And two sergers.
Pick on someone your own size, Nemisis #4.
Sincerely,
Nemesis #1
March 4, 2010 at 8:00 pm
Mary in FL
Oh, well. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and it works both ways.
March 4, 2010 at 9:32 pm
Susannah
And she has the audacity to post!! And say nice things!!!! What a nemesis indeed!!!
But Elaine – have you ever considered that YOU are also a nemesis??? You mock us with your sewing. You mock us with your lack of punctuation/spelling/grammatical errors. And you hold down a day job. AND THEN YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO INCLUDE PHOTOS IN BALLET SHOES, EN POINTE!!!!!!
Next, you will casually refer to a fabric shopping expedition, when you were in Stockholm collecting your most recent Nobel Prize.
I hate you. We all hate you. And we hate you most because we love reading your blog!!!
March 5, 2010 at 7:55 am
selfishseamstress
Thanks for the hate! You know how much I love a comment that is simultaneously belligerent AND flattering. The best kind!
I don’t think the Nobel prize is ever going to happen because it would entail that I actually make some sort of contribution to society and my fellow man. And quite honestly, that’s just not my style ;)
[For the sake of full disclosure, I should note that there is a split infinitive in this post. I did, however, do it knowingly as I didn’t think there was a way to rephrase it that wouldn’t be more awkward. Then again, in my book a split infinitive is a stylistic matter rather than a clear cut grammatical faux pas.]
March 5, 2010 at 1:21 pm
Beangirl
Actually, split infinitives are now considered not ungrammatical… er… they’re considered to be grammatically correct. Or at least, not grammatically incorrect. Which means you’re grammar was perfect and we all hate you still.
March 5, 2010 at 2:09 pm
Susannah
I’m not really sure about split infinitives. My volume of Fowler’s English Usage falls open at this entry, because we have had a few debates at work about whether we can split or not split. I gather that the rule comes from Latin, and as English is not as much a latin language as, say, French or Spanish, perhaps it is not so relevant. It can be clumsy, as in “to more effectively and, with a view to improved outcomes with better customer service, manage the process” (with ‘to manage’ being the infinitive). (While I did just make this up, I feel sure that it is in fact not original, and that I have read it at some stage at work, and just repressed it because it is so UGLY!!!)
But then we have what is probably the most famous split infinitive in modern times – “to boldly go where no man has gone before”. Much more effective than “to go boldly….”.
I think Star Trek Next Generation has indulged in some political correctness and rephrased it as “to boldly go where no one has gone before”.
Either way, in grammar, as in fashion, it is more about elegance, style than slavishly following a rule.
March 5, 2010 at 1:18 am
zoe
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
March 5, 2010 at 1:55 am
lin3arossa
Yes she’s an amazing seamstress, she’s a nice person and her fiance supports her sewing not only by taking picture, but also by buying her things like an embroidery machine as I recall from one of her status changes on Burdastyle. She’s worth hating. I hate her.
March 5, 2010 at 6:31 am
Auntie Allyn
People like juebejue make me want to quit sewing altogether . . . !!@@!
March 5, 2010 at 11:24 am
Susan - Knitters Delight
Lol! : 0 )
March 5, 2010 at 12:48 pm
Christina
Ok, normally I would just snigger while reading your post . . . but then I went to her wall and SERIOUSLY. Ugh. The woman must be stopped. Maybe she has webbed feet . . . or an ugly dog. Something to even the scales.
March 5, 2010 at 2:20 pm
Kathi
These nemesis posts have quickly become favorites of mine!
March 5, 2010 at 3:36 pm
Melissa
I’ll be sending you the mental health therapy bill for the night terrors this post will surely induce. lol
March 5, 2010 at 7:48 pm
Sandra
60 inches is the only correct height to be, as 4.5 is the only correct shoe size.
March 6, 2010 at 11:54 am
Deb
Man. MAN. I was PROUD of being the only person I know who’s 60″ tall. Standing TALL and PROUD of it!! Now my 60-something mom has shrunk to my height. And you all are now claiming my petite territory! ALL MUST BE STOPPED!!! I am in mental anguish and must buy some cashmere now.
March 6, 2010 at 4:55 pm
Carolanne
I love it! Especially the bit about the Burda pleated bodice dress! LOL! (Love your blog and all the beautiful things you create…)
March 7, 2010 at 8:31 am
Byrdie
You used two of my favorite words: fugly and craptacular. Uggh… she obviously doesn’t know about the home sewing world. She looks like a model in her pictures and her choice of fabric and flattering styles are impeccable… she should be ashamed of herself.
March 8, 2010 at 11:43 pm
Hello world! « Petite Republic
[…] Lastly and most importantly, the Selfish Seamstress has raged war on me. I had always envied her blog, in fact, there are many many blogs I envy. However, her […]
March 9, 2010 at 10:34 am
amber
Personally, I think the two of you need to do a joint photoshoot. Would be the epitomy of cute and chic.
March 9, 2010 at 9:11 pm
Melissa
Wow! I wish I could sew like you or Juebejue! Oh well. Your blog is hilarious and Juebejue is super cute and I’m 64″ with mad knitting skillz! :)
March 10, 2010 at 11:51 pm
lydiajane
her blog is: http://petiterepublic.wordpress.com/
Unlike you, she is not very prolific, only having 2 entries. But, who can compare to you?
March 12, 2010 at 2:38 am
lin3arossa
She has a blog now: http://petiterepublic.wordpress.com/2010/03/11/first-self-drafted-skirt/
March 16, 2010 at 12:19 pm
Laura Georgina
Oooh, that Juebejue haunts me on Burdastyle and now you’ve got beef with her too?? It’s just too much horridness (in the classy elegant breezy way) for me to take in one blog entry (even with being one and a quarter inch taller than you and two and a quarter taller than her)….
March 17, 2010 at 12:30 pm
Constance K
You two are my favourite people on burdastyle ever. You both have so many amazing pieces, AND you both are amazingly beautiful. I can only imagine what happened if you teamed up.
July 7, 2010 at 3:09 pm
Bloggy fun: Fill in the blanks! « The Selfish Seamstress
[…] the usual suspects are there like “selfish seamstress,” “gargamel,” “baby bunny“, and “coffee date dress.” Then there’s the new and unexpected but totally […]
October 28, 2010 at 12:15 pm
Maggie
This has had people rolling for over 8 months! I love it! You are the Grandest!