It’s been a little while since the Selfish Seamstress has introduced any new nemeses here, but it’s not for lack of enemies. In fact, the Selfish Seamstress makes new enemies every day- at the supermarket, at work, on public transit (I’m looking at you, headphones girl who thinks her bag needs its own seat!) But it takes a little more than just being a jerk to rise to the status of Selfish Seamstress nemesis. No no, a nemesis has to be pure evil. And no one is more obviously evil than new Selfish Seamstress Nemesis Juebejue, a.k.a. Tiny Nemesis, a.k.a. Photogenic Nemesis. Terrified yet? Have a look into the face of PURE EVIL:
I know, right? 4’11” of terrifying! Surely there is only one creature on this earth more hideous and scary than Juebejue:
*SHUDDER* Okay, for those of you brave souls who have managed to get this far without closing your browsers in fright and disgust, I have to tell you, IT GETS WORSE. Oh yes, she’s also got ridiculously bad taste and makes hideous, hideous garments that only a monster like her would ever want to wear. I’ll explain:
1) Juebejue makes things that the no one, especially the Selfish Seamstress, would ever be caught dead wearing.
That’s her rendition of BurdaStyle’s Madison dress. UNCOVETABLE. Look at the ridiculous drapey collar. Who would ever want to wear a face and shoulder framing collar that falls into graceful folds like that? Certainly not the Selfish Seamstress, and especially not in a sophisticated stupid brown like that. And those perfectly sewn dumb slant pockets? Pure classy chic idiocy.
Here’s another lame garment that I would NEVER EVER want to wear. This perfectly-fitting stupid hooded coat. Everyone knows that it’s SUPER EASY for extremely petite women to find coats that fit perfectly, so why would I ever covet Juebejue’s crappy, hip-length jacket with perfect topstitching in the perfect neutral gray with its inspired and adorable big buttons? YUCK. (Side note: Also, why would I covet her ugly perfect smile with its dumb perfectly straight, perfectly white teeth? Whatever.)
2) Juebejue manages to take BurdaMag patterns that are reasonably nice and make an absolute mess of them. For example, the casual dress with pleated bodice from the June 2009 issue, a cute pattern by any standard- look at the nightmare that Juebejue concocted with it:
Are there even words to express how craptacular those immaculately done pleats are, and how stupidly elegant this looks in her foolishly inspired choice of black linen? And please don’t get me started on the lame, adorable knee boots with this one. And here’s another of her Burda failures:
Yep, it’s the ruffle georgette blouse from the 8.2009 issue, another elegant and flattering screwup from Juebejue. The Selfish Seamstress in fact tried this pattern herself and failed miserably so she can almost (almost!) sympathize with Juebejue for wanting to wear this gorgeous, graceful blush pink piece of crap. (And if I’m not mistaken, she’s pairing it with a denim Kasia from BurdaStyle, another sleek and chic example of the brilliantly-fitting lameness that ensues when Juebejue gets near her sewing machine.)
And another Burda-pattern-gone-wrong, this crossover front print dress with contrast midriff that looks like Juebejue bought it for hundreds of dollars at a boutique. A CRAPPY boutique. Hrmph. Yet another garment of hers that I SO DO NOT covet. [And there’s that smile again, the one I could never ever envy on account of it being so darn fugly! In fact, I am busy NOT envying it this very moment.)
3) Another thing that makes Juebejue so disgusting and horrifying (if you haven’t already picked up on it) is the fact that all of the photographs of her in her hideous handmade garments are just SO INCREDIBLY BAD with their yucky perfect soft lighting and sharp focus and lovely dumb framing. Word on the street is that all of the photographs are taken by her fiancé, which suggests that he, like Juebejue, also lacks creative skill and good taste. Some examples (close your eyes if you’re prone to nightmares):
Now I know that some of you may be thinking that the Selfish Seamstress is being awfully harsh to publicly mock and humiliate the fiancé of one of her nemeses, and that it’s not fair to do so even when the nemesis in question is as gross as Juebejue, but trust me on this one. I have it on very good authority that he gives Juebejue stuff like cashmere fabric, dressforms, and embroidery machines for her birthday and holidays, so obviously any seamstress would agree that he sounds just as bad as she is.
4) Finally, Juebejue is on my shizzlist because SHE STARTED IT. That’s right- Juebejue has been out to take down the Selfish Seamstress for years. Maybe she’s jealous because the Selfish Seamstress has a whole lofty inch on her in terms of height (Ha! That’s right, I’m a doctor-confirmed 60″ in height, so suck on that, 59″ Juebejue!) Whatever the case may be, I have strong evidence to indicate that Juebejue is out to get me. How do I know? Quite simply, she uses MY OWN PATTERN against me! She took my nice, basic Coffee Date Dress original free pattern, and twisted it into this horrible violet ombre satin party-perfect monstrosity:
Ha. No, I DON’T wish I had thought of it first. And NO, I don’t think it’s a sassy and fun improvement on my original, sedate beige rendition. She’s using my own sewing against me! Evil. Evil indeed. No doubt about it, Juebejue fights dirty.
Juebejue doesn’t have a sewing blog (yet), but that doesn’t mean that you can’t still hate on her publicly. You can see more of her misguided sewing efforts on her BurdaStyle profile and write mean comments on her wall! Take her down, girls!